The Bill of Things They Thought Were Important in 1791

The United States has an odd relationship with its Bill of Rights. One might say a fetishistic, nigh-sexual obsession with it. Not everyone's obsessed with the same amendments, sure. Hell, you almost never find a hardcore third amendment supporter. Except us. NO SOLDIERS QUARTERED! GET OUTTA MY HOUSE, YOU SOLDIER!

Aww...

But that ol' Bill of Rights, what a thing! What an important thing to wave around! So important that we need to constantly argue about the intent of the Framers! What they thought about these ten sacred amendments should determine what we do now, in the 21st century! Their thoughts were so important!

I guess we just need to ignore the fact that the great majority of them just didn't even want the damn thing in the first place.

No, really. At first only George Mason and Elbridge Gerry (the guy they named Gerrymandering after) wanted a Bill of Rights. Everyone else wanted them to shut up so they could get this damn Constitution thing over with.

Just One More Thing

Okay, Tater Lady is ridiculous. She's an inane dipshit on cursory analysis, medium analysis, and deep-tissue scanning with a goddamned tricorder.

Potatoes are not magic. They are starch. They are delicious fried, baked, or mashed. They can be a part of every single meal.

They are the roots of a plant related to the deadly nightshade plant.

Which, incidentally, is why that green fry you occasionally get at McDonald's tastes so nasty. It has a higher level of toxic nightshade chemicals called glycoalkaloids. Don't worry; the green fry won't kill you. It's just enough of the glycoalkaloids to taste like shit.

Yes, your honor, I am a piece of shit.

Anyway, if potatoes could cure the common cold, Big Pharma would have isolated the active compounds, slapped them in a pill, and patented that shit decades ago. Martin Shkreli would be raising the price of potato-based meds by 2500% and then smirking like a prick when he got called out on it.

So Tater Lady is laughable.

But why is she laughable?

Turns out that, even in our short history, we already wrote about this syndrome.

Tater Tall Tales

Oh for fuck's sake.

Visual representation of underfunding science education here, folks

This came across our newsfeed, and this is the type of bullshit we can't stand.

So I saw an article about putting potatoes in the babies [sic] sock [sic] when they're sick [soc?]. So [baby] had a little cold and i [sic] put potatoes in his socks last night around 8-9pm. [editor's note - this process took an hour?] He didn't cough through the night...nose isn't running...isn't as congested and he slept for 12 hours. [Praise the mothafuckin' Lord emoji]

We were going to comment on how absolutely un-fucking-reasonable this person was and how over 117,000 brainless Facebookian morons immediately took it as gospel truth, but...

Wait.

How did this procedure come to be? Obviously this is Bullshit Bin fodder, and we could tear it apart, but...

Colloquial Meaninglessness

We were tweeting at Sarah Palin today (okay, we were poking fun at Sarah Palin today on Twitter) and this exchange resulted when someone claimed he hated Barack Obama.

No actually I take it back I don't hate him I hate his beliefs about how to govern a country clearly socialism does not work.

— scott (@scmcarp) December 28, 2017

Now, scott here has said something dumb. And not just because it's a run on sentence. And not just because Obama is not and was not a socialist.

No, it's because scott thinks he is saying something that has meaning but he absolutely isn't.